do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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