Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
