Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
