Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
