do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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