I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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