I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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