take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
