shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
