I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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