I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize