Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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