I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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