my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
