1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Randomize