I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
