Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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