i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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