before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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