I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
