allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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