Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
