so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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