The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
