ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
