My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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