I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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