i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Girls should come with a carfax report
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
