i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
