Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
your like the ambassador to my penis.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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