I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
