i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
