3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
