this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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