I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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