After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she pinky promised me she was 18
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
