It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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