lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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