I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
