Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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