It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
