They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize