You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
