This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize