I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
