Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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