watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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