Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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