Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize