It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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