Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
