i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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