I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
