I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize