dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
