I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
