I just threw up on my dentist
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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