i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
