thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Less talking, more tequila
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
