my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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