I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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