can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
