I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
