I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
