I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
