Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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