What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
