your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
