he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
