My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
